What a week, amirite? I'm not sure if something is up with the moon, upcoming eclipse, or if the universe was just kind of throwing an f you at all of us? Anyway, it was rough.
Today, one of my best friends reached out and told me she had been crying all morning over her ex-boyfriend. We talked for awhile and I told her that this would pass. I compared the end of a relationship to when you cut yourself. Initially the wound is all consuming, it hurts so much. Eventually it starts to scab and then it becomes less consuming. It's still painful to look at and sensitive to touch, but it's not an open wound. That said, every time you bump into it, or pick at it the healing has to start over. However, if you put a bandaid on it and do your best to leave it alone eventually it will heal.
Healing doesn't mean that the pain subsides fully, or that you won't have a scar. What it does mean is that over time the wound will become less and less painful. The scar will change what was once everything to a faint memory of what once was. Goes back to that old saying, time heals all wounds.
I promised her hope as I reflected on the loss of my first love. The relationship was something I never thought I would get over. I was certain there would always be a hole in my heart where he once resided. It took time, but eventually I moved on.
I moved on so much so that I realized while he was perfect for me then, he would not be now. We weren't soulmates, but he served a purpose in my life. He was a safe haven for secrets and a warm hand to hold. He happened to me when I least expected it and in the most unlikely of places. He was flawed and so was I, but what he gave me was priceless. For a time, he loved me in a way that I really needed. Sometimes we just need something for a certain amount of time to serve a certain purpose and then move on.
Eventually our expiration came and we parted ways. Losing him was one of the hardest things I've ever experienced. It wasn't just the loss of a relationship, but the death of a best friend. I kept the wound open for far too long. One of us always found a way to reopen the wound. By the end of it every day we were throwing salt in it. Eventually, I had no choice, but to remove him from my life. It was toxic and unhealthy. I was never going to heal and we had outlived our time.
I recently wrote him a letter and thanked him for the growth he helped me accomplish. He didn't work out. It just wasn't the right timing and now we've become completely different people. I would never be in that relationship now, but we gave it a good run.
It's crazy how the older you get the more you evaluate your relationships and the more you not only want but need for yourself. This year I've made a point to reassess every part of my life and rid anything/one who is no longer serving a purpose in my life. Creating boundaries and setting my intent for what I want in terms of everything really has been life altering.
Surrounding myself with positivity and people and places that are bringing me up has changed everything for me. I used to think being single was depressing, but now I celebrate it. I celebrate it because I'm actively choosing who I allow into my life. I don't need to have a mediocre relationship to feel validated, or even an amazing one that just isn't right for me.
Through doing the work and giving myself time, I've completely healed. Now, the person I decide to be in a relationship with will be one who celebrates me rather than tolerates me. Someone who is so excited to meet my friends, hear about my life and slowly, but surely emerge their world into mine. So much of what I sought in the past was validation through relationships, but now I'm perfectly happy on my own.
You can't possibly know how long it will take to recover, but if you trust in the universe it won't let you down. Eventually, you'll wake up and notice how blue the sky is, or how delicious your frosé tastes. You'll get comments in random places like the subway from strangers about how happy you look. You won't have to try to be okay anymore, because you'll actually be happy again. Until that day, just do your best to remember that you only live once and today could be your last day. Practice patience with yourself and don't beat yourself up if you reopen the wound a few times. Learn your lessons and realize what you deserve and don't accept anything less than pure magic.
The only thing I've become certain of is that when we are focused on living our best lives, our best lives happen. Grieve. Mourn. Do what you have to do, but then live your life. When I decided to live authentically and be unapologetically myself, my life changed. I have bad days, but I have good people to ride out the storm with me. Find those people and you'll find yourself and no wound will be too deep to heal.
Happy Friday, my loves!