BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY

NYC, the city that never sleeps. She revs us up with energy and drowns us out in crowds. Living here means living in chaos and learning how to thrive in a manic environment. For a place so heavily populated it’s shocking how alone you can feel.

Millions of strangers commute each day to work. We stand and sit in silence. Some of us read, some write and some yell at others. We miss trains by seconds, because some idiot can’t swipe their card correctly and we let it ruin our day. Subway operations can be very tricky and if you’re ever riding in a stalled car the stress level is so high you can physically feel it. We pack into cars like sardines and treat one another like animals. We put our headphones on and for a moment we disappear.

We disappear until someone yells “hey asshole move out of my way” and then just like that we’re back. Sometimes when we’re stressed we miss stops, sometimes the cars have no ventilation and you can see the sweat dripping out of every pore.

Some of us walk to work and some of us take cars. We yell at the drivers because somehow traffic and what is most likely the best route are to blame for us leaving our apartments 5 minutes after we were supposed to be arriving somewhere.

We are manic. Forget shopping at Trader Joe’s, fairway, or any other grocer on Sunday or Monday or even Saturday sometimes. You’ll risk a limb for a loaf of bread.

The thing is you don’t have to shop if you don’t want to, because here everything is made for your convenience. You can send your laundry out, hire a personal assistant to run your errands, return items by uberrush, order takeout, buy groceries through apps, rent clothes and buy clothes for same day delivery, etc. Literally anything you want you can have.

Anything except personal connection. I’ve managed to find a tribe of humans so magical I want to trademark them. My posse, my babes, my brigade. They are the best humans in the world and I get to love them every single day. We found each other because we stopped getting caught up in the chaos and instead embraced it with a positive and optimistic attitude. That even in such a dog eat dog City there are humans who will cherish you and pick you up when you’re down.

So, on the friend front I don’t know what to tell you. Sure there are apps for that, but you can’t get genuine loving relationships on demand. It takes time, effort and memories made. So I can’t help but wonder why that hasn’t seemed to apply on the romantic relationship side for me.

I believe in the universe and the laws of attraction, but I must say when it comes to love maybe I believe it’s better to be safe than sorry. To my friends, my job, my neighbors, my family I give my all. There is no half-assing with me. If I want you in my life, I’m going to see to it that you have the best life possible.

This has done wonders for my friendships and career opportunities. I’ve attracted people into my life who have quite literally taught me what it means to love and be loved. That said, when it comes to romance I’ve become jaded. I’ve become tired of comparing dating to an irritating subway commute. As if it’s something you have to do out of some sort of obligation. You’re on the ride and neither of you are enjoying it and there is no excitement.

You don’t know what you’re walking into (I’ve been catfished….PTSD) and you don’t know what you’re walking away from. You might have an extraordinary time with sparks flying so high you can’t breathe only to never hear from the person again. Oh, but they might still watch your Instagram stories and like your photos (dude, that’s weird).

So every time you put on a pretty dress and paint your face with lush red lipstick remember you might just be on the verge of meeting your next breadcrumber. Last year I had my first experience with being ghosted and this year I had my first experience with a breadcrumber.

I didn’t really care because to be honest I wasn’t really into him at all. I tried to convince myself I was, but I was just going through the motions. I was robotically following my morning commute. I was living a routine. I’ve heard girls talk about numbers. The more dates you go on the better your chances of finding the one are.

I don’t know what I think about it all anymore except that I think it’s very sad. It’s sad that we live in a culture where love isn’t prioritized and people aren’t treasured. I think it’s sad that we treat people like atm transactions. We take out, but we don’t always put back in.

We settle for boring, because sometimes boring feels safer than being alone. I’ve been on my dating hiatus for a few months now and it’s opened my eyes to a whole new world. One where I refuse to settle for anything less than magic. I’ve realized that risks are something I love to take, but when it comes to relationships I have to play it a bit more safe.

Someone came back into my life and showed me what it’s like to respect someone and value them and honor them. Seeing that and knowing it exists gives me hope for humanity. There are good people out there who want more than just to service themselves.

I want to encourage all of you to shoot for the stars in terms of your life. We limit ourselves and I don’t know why! You deserve a kind loving partner who adores you. You deserve friends who will have your back, but also hold you accountable. You deserve a job that appreciates your work and dedication and promotes you accordingly. You deserve to have a life that’s more than getting up only to wait for the day to be over.

Regardless of where you are in your life don’t get so caught up in the chaos/drama that you forget about all of the beauty. Every day is a new day and opportunity to become whoever you want to be. Leave behind a legacy that is legendary.

Gibberish from a sick chick ;)

I’ve spent the past 5 days in my apartment. I’ve been sick and apparently could’ve potentially avoided such a long confinement had I not procrastinated going to the doctor. I thought that if I waited it out I would miraculously get better, but of course I did not.

So I slept a lot, watched a lot of shameless, attempted to paint nails (they look hideous), I began deep cleaning and finding things to give away. This was all today. The other days I spent my time laying in bed sleeping and eating soup. I wanted to plan my big fall reset, I wanted to reach out to contacts, I wanted feel like myself again.

This is what I learned while being off the grid:

  1. Just because someone doesn’t call or text to check on you doesn’t mean they don’t care
  2. I believe sickness can come as a blessing in disguise, it forces you to just stop everything
  3. Todays problems will be there tomorrow and sometimes it’s ok to hit pause and turn off for a bit

Initially, I was so upset to have not heard from certain people. I wondered how they could know I was ill and not bother to even send a text. Then I realized something, we all have things going on and just because you don’t hear from someone doesn’t mean they don’t care, or they aren’t thinking of you. I also realized that I can’t set expectations for how I want people to respond to me. People are going to be themselves and I can either accept that, or remove them from my life. It’s not my place to change anyone.

So was sitting here feeling sorry for myself as as any sick girl would, my friend reminded me of all the people who love me in my life. The amount of phone calls and texts I received were truly incredible.

I think so often we focus on what we don’t have that we miss the bigger picture. That picture is the Mosaic of all the loved ones who show up through the good, bad and ugly. The ones who love you when you’re a hot mess and praise you when you’re a major success.

Things have been rough for me lately. I received negative feedback and I’ve been doing my best to learn from it and grow from it. That said, it doesn’t make it any less discouraging. I’ve had to actively rewire my brain to focus on all that is good and all the possibilities ahead.

So as we enter another manic Monday I encourage you to surprise yourself. Do the uncomfortable things and fight for your worth 💜.

Happy Anniversary, New York City

Today I had the pleasure of grabbing brunch with one of my dearest friends, Karen. Karen was visiting from Louisiana and headed back after our meal. Seeing Karen and catching up was so special and timely. This week is my 5 year anniversary of moving to the city.

Five years ago, I was going through one of the toughest times in my life. It was during that time that I had no one to rely on and no where to go. My sisters and mother were beyond encouraging and supportive, I wouldn't have made it through that period of my life without them.

Then the universe sent me Karen. I don't remember how Karen and I connected, but we bonded instantly. My ex had always tried to poison me against her, but she ended up being one of the people who saved my life. That whole period of my life is blurry. I would go to random parking lots and talk to Karen on the phone bawling my eyes out. She was my safe haven and support system when my entire world was upside down. She allowed me to be open and honest and never once judged me. She saw something in me that many people couldn't see and she pushed me to move to NYC.

The past five years have been filled with insane memories. Things you just can't make up. A shared bunk bed, underground casino, nightclub brunches and people who make you question everything about yourself. It's been good, bad and ugly. There are days I've sat on a park bench crying and others where I've danced my way home.

I've had my heart broken and sewn back together more than once. I've also broken a few hearts as well. I've rocked short hair, long hair and every color hair. I've read more books and watched more shows. I've predicted my future better than psychics and negotiated half decks for $10 bucks. I've found the best places for tacos and margaritas. I've entered into an open relationship with Manhattan and Montauk.

I've swiped right to the wrong people and left to potentially right people. I've given my business card out to a cutie on the subway. I've written my number in eyeliner on napkins. I've become family with most doormen in NYC. I've toasted on rooftops overlooking the most beautiful views of the city. I've gotten lost and then found. I've ridden every subway line in NYC. I've lived in 8 apartments and a hotel across Murray Hill, Upper East Side, Midtown, Lower East Side, Chelsea, Upper West Side and had a sharehouse in Montauk.

I've had (not including temp jobs) 6 jobs throughout my time here. Some were absolutely wrong for me, but taught me all I know today.

Variety Is The Spice Of Life
If I hadn't catered, interned for a shoe designer, or worked at a million other places, I wouldn't be who I am today. I've learned that it's ok to hop around and find out what you like and what you don't like. I've learned that if you really enjoy something, you will be more successful. The only person you owe something to is yourself. Life is too short to be showing up to a place that doesn't value you, or see your potential.

Haters Gonna Hate
If I had listened to all of the people who told me I would never make it, I would've never made it. I was told I shouldn't even go to college. That I should work in a mall, because I love clothes. I was told I would come back with my pockets empty with copious amounts of debt and regret. Every job I left cautioned me against what the universe was moving me towards. People tried to make me afraid, but I let faith rule over fear.

The Universe Has You Boo
In 2012, the universe sent me Karen and 3 weeks later sent me to NYC. When you surrender to the possibilities life wants to open you up to, the universe shows up. Karen reminded me of times she was worried I wouldn't make it. There were so many times where I was beaten down by the man, homeless, broken up with, betrayed by friends, etc. There were times I thought I can't do this anymore. It's too hard to be supporting myself in this expensive city with no connections and no guarantor and no friends or job or love or hope. I'd let myself wallow, but eventually I got up again.

Get Back On The Horse
There were so many times that life just bucked me right out of the saddle. It felt like one day I'd be all trottin' along and the next I'm getting bucked off and stomped on. Regardless of how painful each lesson was I never questioned grabbing the reigns again.

Life Is Simple
We control our fate or we let our fate control us. Sometimes when you're at the lowest point possible the universe brings someone to pull you out of the hole. Karen did it for me and this weekend I saw strangers bond together to save a jumper in Nolita.

I was walking through the Broadway Lafayette stop when I saw people gathered around under a woman who was perched up on a beam. She wept so loudly as she shouted that no one cared about her. People below her talked to her and reassured her that she was cared for and loved. It was the most beautiful act of humanity I've seen in quite some time. I called the police and another person climbed across the beam to hold her and hug her. By the end of it, the police came and the woman rested her head on the stranger's shoulder.


As I celebrate my anniversary to my longest relationship yet, I'm filled with happiness and I'm proud. Nothing worth achieving is easy. I will be posting my plans over the next few weeks as I've spent this weekend evaluating what's next for me.

Thank you for reading and stay encouraged! The journey can be a lot, but it's always worth it.