PAST MEETS PRESENT

Sometimes people from our past end up crossing our path again. Before we unlock the door to future possibilities, we can’t forget why we locked it in the first place.

It seemed different this time around. The issues that once plagued our “relationship” seemed to have resolved with time. A part of me knew it wasn’t going to work and if I’m honest with myself, I don’t think I really cared.

Isn’t it funny how you can be so removed from someone, but as soon as they let you down, a trigger is pulled? Maybe I never really opened up to him, or gave it an actual shot, because in my heart, I knew it never would be. And that’s not because of him, but because of me. Because I didn’t want us in the end, not the way we had become.

When you play with fire, you might just get burned. So why let an old flame seek redemption? I suppose there was unfinished business to take care of. There was the curiosity of whether or not time could heal old wounds. There was the hope of who this person could have become.

That’s problem. When you let an illusion dictate your actions, you lose sight of reality. In all fairness, this individual has a good heart, but unfortunately he doesn’t know how to share it. He’s so wrapped up in work that I sometimes wonder if he will ever look back and realize he missed out on so many other things along the way.

Learning how to prioritize and design a life that works for you is challenging, no doubt. Just ask all of the friends and family that have witnessed my many breakdowns over the past few months. That said, you don’t stop trying.

Amongst the many reasons why this man and I will never work out is that somewhere along the way, he forgot that though work will be waiting for you when you wake up and go to sleep and in the middle of the night when you can’t sleep (if you’re lucky enough to even be able to sleep when there is so much to be done) that alone it’s worth nothing.

Yo, I’m single and to be honest, I love it. I love it because none of my suitors thus far have been right and most haven’t been worthy of my time. That said, I have prioritized my career over the past year and for the time being will continue to do so.

I think the difference between this fellow and myself is that instead of being honest with himself and me, he genuinely tried to do better. I think you can teach an old dog new tricks, but patterns are hard to break without true self awareness and a genuine relentless desire to change.

I suppose the weirdest part about all of this is that I actually feel good about confronting him and letting him go for good. Sometimes you have to reel something in only to throw it back out. The interesting part is that I feel whatever unfinished business we had was finally taken care of.

What an amazing feeling to know that sometimes things simply don’t work out and that an idea is just an idea even if it is about someone.

My protective friends would say he’s an ass in efforts to comfort me, but it’s really not about him, or me. Sure, he’s immature, but what do I care?

At the end of the day, sometimes the shoe just doesn’t fit. You can fight the universe and your gut to try to force it, or you can ride with the tide knowing that all that is meant to be works out and all that isn’t slips away.

For me, I choose the latter. There is no reason to wallow and lick old wounds when there is a whole big world out there with open arms.

I suppose my biggest learning lesson here is to honor my feelings, trust my gut, and continue to devote the limited energy I have into the right people.

There are seasons where your career will win. It will be all consuming and you might feel like you don’t have the capacity to even talk to another human by the end of the day and that’s ok. Seasons come and go, but if you find that you’re stuck in an never ending drought, it might be time to reconsider. Because having the right someone to weather the storm with is actually kind of nice.

I suppose the whole point of dating is trial and error, so you can learn more about yourself. And truth is you don’t have to worry about any of these asshats. When the right person enters your life, you’ll know. Knowing that and truly believing that makes letting go all that isn’t right, so much easier.

So many people get caught up on why things couldn’t work out with someone they weren’t even crazy about to begin with. Let bygones be bygones and go where you’re celebrated.

There is no time in the present to waste on someone who was never really yours anyway.

IT’S ALL IN THE TIMING, RIGHT?

I used to think timing wasn’t a determining factor in whether or not a relationship could succeed. I thought if two people were into one another, that anything was possible. I believed that if someone liked you enough that they would move mountains to make it happen with you, but as I’ve gotten older, I think I was wrong.

We live in a culture so consumed by work. We spend our adolescent years killing ourselves to get into the right college, our college years killing ourselves to secure the right internship, our internships days devoted to landing a job offer. Once we graduate college, if we don’t have a returning job offer from a previous internship, we begin the long dreaded search for employment. Some will be lucky enough to receive offers from companies they might not have interned with before graduation, but others are left to their own vices. So, we’re thrown to the wolves and we spend our lives climbing our version of a career ladder. As we approach thirty, I feel many people start to settle down.

That said, we are a generation of procrastination. We don’t procrastinate everything, but we do pick and choose. We might be super proactive with our jobs, but let our health fall to the back burner. We might be super successful in both work and play, but neglect any form of social life. We might be super human and have rockin bods, a killer career, and be a total socialite, but not worry about fostering meaningful romantic relationships.

In NYC, the city that never sleeps, we’re bred to believe that we can fake it til we make it. That if we just try hard enough, we too can have it all. So, we conduct our lives thinking that it will all work out. That we will have it all, but we just have to focus on x,y,z for the moment and then handle the rest. Sure, this type of tunnel vision is great for laser focus and knocking to-dos off your list, but I have to wonder, is this type of mentality dangerous?

If we wait for tomorrow, tomorrow might not come. How do we balance everything so that we can have it all without feeling stretched too thin, or that we’ve settled in certain areas? If I had the answer, I probably wouldn’t be writing this, but I will share what I’ve learned so far.

Balance is essential

Sometimes when I get super stressed out, or down, I will isolate myself. I’ll retreat from my friends and family and host the pity party of a lifetime. I’ll complain to myself about how unfair life is, how tired I am, or how I don’t have time to change my life, but that simply isn’t true and even though it temporarily lets me off the hook, I know I could do better.

I hate to reference this example, because it comes from a total troll I was briefly seeing at the beginning of this year. In his field, he really didn’t have the time to work out, but had noticed he’d put on a few lbs, so he made changes to his diet consistently in addition to working out when possible. He didn’t let the excuse of working all of the time keep him from his goal of becoming healthier. He evaluated the problem and thought of a solution. He didn’t play the victim and stuff his face with donuts (been there done that…. Struggle is real), but instead he identified his goal and made the changes he could at the time.

Transitional periods are temporary

Lately, I’ve been having a time, to say the least. WOOF. Anyway, one of my best friends reminded me last night that challenging circumstances are only temporary. I tend to be such a big picture gal that it’s hard for me to place myself in the present and accept that change doesn’t happen overnight. I tend to allow feelings to dictate how I handle a situation when in reality feelings are subjective. We can’t go off how we’re feeling and we can’t go from a mile to a marathon in five minutes. Patience is a virtue for a reason.

Prioritize what you value

We’re all chasing that paper, but at the end of the day, who wants to be broke and alone? And don’t go thinking you’re gonna be the next Hugh Heffner. I mean seriously. We live and breathe our 9-5, which everyone knows is really 24/7, but at the end of the day, I suppose it would be nice to have someone to come home to. Someone who makes you forget about the fact that 10/12 hours that day were spent on the verge of a panic attack and feeling like you’re nothing more than smeared dog shit on a sidewalk of the Lower East Side.

And hey, you’re asexual? You hate people? I get it. I’m not saying a relationship is the end all be all of your existence. I’m saying find what lights a fire under your ass and pursue it. I’m the most ADD person you’ll ever meet. I’m currently working a minimum (haha as if) of 40 hours a week, pursuing a side hustle, volunteering/joining a new charity, rekindling my love of fitness with classes and running, working on a project that takes at least 3 hours of every day and a lot of time on the weekends, casually dating, blogging, reading, staying in touch and involved with friends and family, and most importantly trying to find my mind after losing it on a daily basis.

Maybe all of that means I’m spreading myself too thin, but for whatever reason I refuse to give up.

Sometimes when you’re trying to accomplish a million things, it feels like you’re accomplishing nothing at all. Maybe that’s why Steve Jobs was such a jerk and devoted his life so much to his career that he wouldn’t even change up his wardrobe. Nah blue pants, you ain’t getting a second thought. All I got time for is Apple. He simplified everything and focused on the only thing that mattered to him. I don’t think there is a right or wrong to this way of living. I mean the dude was super successful, but was he fulfilled? Was he happy?

Things have been so chaotic and there has been so much in the mix that I know I need to cut back on a few things and stop drowning myself in the endless opportunities that life presents. That said, I do think you can have it all with applied discipline. We must schedule our time so that it reflects our values and goals. You have the power to accomplish everything you want, but you have to be consistent.

I’m curious, what’s your routine? What keeps you going when you’re stressed out and disengaged? How do you plan your life? For me, I think starting each week with a set schedule is crucial. Have I done that? Yes. Have I stuck to it? Nah. But we live for another day and with 2018 approaching, it’s time to reevaluate who you are and what you want to accomplish and what it takes to get there.

 

Xx.

THE POWER OF PROGRESS

On this beautiful fall evening, I would like to share some things the past few months have taught me:

Your mindset matters

Regardless of what you’re aspiring to change, or who you want to become, you must believe in the power of mind over matter. I have moments where I let my emotions guide me, but I’ve gotten way better at controlling them and not being controlled by them. Feelings are wonderful, but you can’t live your life according to them, because they change and are unreliable.

I understand that some feelings need to be dealt with and that might mean throwing yourself a pity party and owning the fact that no one possibly has it worse than you and no one understands and boo hoo, etc. Eventually (sooner rather than later), you need to ditch the seamless that comes with two forks… no they aren’t insulting you when they think you’ve ordered for two, maybe you’ve just ordered too much. Stop rewatching Bridget Jones and put the gym membership you’re paying a million dollars for to use… just speaking to myself here? C0000L.

Seriously though, think about it. Think about the most gut-wrenching breakup, horrific death, or massive disappointment you’ve had to deal with. It’s not that the issue ever became less painful on its own. Rather, it’s that you decided to change the way you dealt with it and thus changed your mindset. You stopped allowing how you were feeling to dictate your actions and you started doing things you knew would make you feel better. You probably fell off track a few times (or if you’re like me, more than a few), but the progress you made kept you going. You didn’t allow minor setbacks to define you. You believed that by stepping outside of your comfort zone you would eventually feel better and wah-la eventually, you did.

There is power in planning and preparation

When you’re in a funk and you’re wanting to make a massive change, it can feel extremely overwhelming and scary. In addition to getting your mind right, you need to be consistent with your actions. This doesn’t mean that you can’t trial and error new interests, but what it does mean is that having some consistency and stability builds confidence. For me, knowing that each day I’m making small and measurable strides towards my long-term goals makes me feel more confident and excited about the process.

That said, is it fun to plan everything? Nah. BUT… there is also power in your perspective. When you change your perspective and the way you view tasks at hand, it can change your life. Suddenly, seemingly meniscal tasks become much more rewarding.

Being optimistic and taking action will seal the deal

If we change our mindsets, prepare, show up with optimism and enthusiasm for the tasks at hand we will succeed.  It is truly that simple. So, I challenge you to step away from the things that provide temporary relief, but long term discomfort. Don’t settle for what’s comfortable, strive for what’s better.

Why carpe the diem?

Lately, I’ve been asking various professionals what they wish they’d known when they were my age, or what they would have done differently. I’ve been researching various books and reading an insane amount of articles about these questions. What I’ve found so far is that we often tend to get so caught up in the future, or stuck on the past that we forget to seize the moment we’re currently in.

Most of the time, we worry about things that don’t end up happening. We harp on things we can’t change and ultimately we waste time. Time is the most precious aspect of our lives. We don’t know how much of it we have and we don’t have the power to control when our hourglass runs out. When I think about this concept, I’m filled with a deep desire to make the most of it.

Today, one of my best friends texted my girl gang group chat to make sure we were all safe. Unclear exactly what happened, but safe to say that shots were fired near the world trade center, essentially one block from where she works. It is still unclear as to whether or not there were shots, but most reports have indicated yes. Moreover, multiple pedestrians were hit by a truck driver who maliciously plowed through people and killed and injured majority of them.

The same scenario happened a few months ago by my office in Times Square. It was the first time in my five years of living here that I had heard of an instance like this and having been so close to it, it scared me. Today, I feel the same fear and grief for those harmed by such a violent act.

I don’t bring up these examples to incite fear, or be depressing. Rather, I bring them up to remind everyone that life is fleeting. We can’t control how much time we’re blessed with on this earth, but we can control how we make the most of what we’re given.

What can you do to ensure every grain of sand that slips through your hourglass counts for something?

DO YOU, BOO.

Later that evening I got to thinking about relationships. “Baby, I love your way” came on my Spotify shuffle and I was immediately brought back to a not so distant memory of an old flame. Seems like yesterday we had just met and found ourselves singing our hearts out to this song and others he so desperately tried to play on his guitar.

Unclear what was more off tune, our voices or his strumming. Regardless of how far from professional we sounded, it was a very sweet moment. That night, two strangers bonded over an abundance of vodka sodas and John Mayer lyrics.

Eventually the drinks weren’t enough to mask the fact that this fellow and I really had nothing in common. He was an attractive distraction and maybe for a few weeks that’s what I needed, but eventually, he breadcrumbed his way right out of my life.

Maybe some relationships aren’t supposed to end with a trail. Maybe some relationships are supposed to end with a good memory. Like a song, or scent that brings you back to a familiar and happy moment.

If I had developed deeper feelings for guitar boy maybe his breadcrumbing would’ve saddened me and made me wish that our time together ended the night it began.

I used to think that every relationship with a guy had to lead to an official relationship unless it was with one of my bro friends. I would often find myself wanting to define where things stood and possessing very high and at times unreasonable expectations from the get go.

If you aren’t careful society can scare you into surrendering your single status for something secure, but not right. When I look back on my life, I realize this is why I was almost engaged at 22. I think about where I would be now had that happened and what my life would look like and I can’t even imagine it.

Due to societal pressure around age and the fleeting of time, I’ve found myself putting unnecessary pressure on relationships. I’ve found myself fearing the loss of someone I never really had; picturing a life with someone who hadn’t yet proved that they deserved space in my world.

I would get so caught up in the idea of someone and what that looked like that I missed out on the present. Inevitably one of two things would happen:

  1. I would scare them senseless
  2. Or they would cling to me like Velcro

So either I would fall hard and fall fast only to push them away, or I would fall hard and fall fast only to have them fall harder and faster and push me away. I never intentionally hurt anyone and I’m sure for the majority no one intentionally hurt me either.

This leads me to my next thought and something I’ve applied to friendships most recently, you only lose what you cling to.

I used to offer an open table, no reservations necessary. You show up and be kind and you have a seat at my table. F that. You can take a number and consider yourself lucky if you get a call back with availability.

Lately, my time has been spent evaluating relationships and where my priorities stand. I’ll tell you this much, I refuse to chase anyone or anything that doesn’t make me a better person and build me up.

This leads me to my conclusion which is that people who want to be in your life are going to be there. You can waste your time trying to convince a person that you’re worth their time, or you can surround yourself with people who validate you and don’t make you jump through hoops to see them.

I suppose knowing that has been the reason for my recent growth and ability to live in the present. It has increased my self respect and trust in the fact that I’m not wasting my time and that I’m channeling the right things and people into my life.

This new found freedom has allowed me to enjoy moments for what they are and not for what they could be. It’s alleviated the pressure of defining something before learning more about it. For example, not getting wrapped up in the idea of someone so easily.

I’ve been taking my time to really be present and learn more about people. Unfortunately, most of the time when you do this you realize you don’t want most people in your life. I shouldn’t say unfortunately because it is a good thing, but you would be shocked how hard it actually is to connect with someone.

So until you find someone who makes you feel like the world just collapsed under your feet, don’t settle. If you don’t want to waste your time, spend your time seeking understanding.

Figure out how deep the water is before your dive in head first.

Dance and sing and laugh until the day you find someone to do all of the above with you. If someone doesn’t accept you, who cares.

There are millions of memories to be made, so go out there and make some.

Xx

Lazy Is NOT Sexy

I was in one of my favorite spin classes with my real life Ken doll instructor when he said something that hit me, “Lazy is NOT sexy”. Yes, we all know this, but something about hearing it out loud stuck with me. We want more money, abs, a rom-com romance, but do we really want to do the work? It’s easy to dream big and let wishful thinking take the wheel, but that’s like driving without a destination. You’re wasting time and fuel going nowhere.

Talk is cheap and without a planned road map, you’re gonna end up in the middle of nowhere having accomplished nothing but a burnout. Why do we stall planning? Why do we procrastinate? Personally, I do it out of fear. Sometimes it can be comforting to lean into complacency and hope that things will change and work out without you having to do anything. I do this and then I wonder why I haven’t lost a million pounds, or written a book.

The truth is we are the only things standing in our own way. We limit ourselves without even realizing it. Deep rooted beliefs can be transformed; we can rewrite our narrative and become someone new. I hate when people come to me with a problem and not a solution. If you’re going to complain and not do anything to change your circumstances then expect your circumstances not to remain the same.

I used to be so proactive and while I’m accomplishing many of the things I set out to do, I’ve become a bit complacent. Complacency is comfortable. Sitting on the side lines of your life watching it pass by without playing an active role is EASY. Playing the victim is EASY. Getting outside of your comfort zone is SCARY, but it’s doable.

For me, having a routine and a schedule is absolutely necessary. My extreme zest for life aka ADD aka FOMO loves the fact that I can wake up and book a last minute class, schedule a brunch, go to a gala… all on a whim, but when I live this way, I’m holding myself back from major success. Sure, scoring last minute front row VIP tickets to X,Y,Z is something I would not only welcome, but definitely pursue; however, it should be more of the exception and less of the norm.

There is so much I want to see and do that I tend to do it all until I’m completely depleted. I run and run and run until my gas is on E and I end up wearing my clothes inside out (symbolic of my life at times). The thought of structure kind of grosses me out and makes me want to hit snooze all at the same time. Meal prep? A calendar? Planned workouts, set days for laundry…. Dude, gag me. I hate it. It bores me, but it’s what I need and when I think of the ROI it’s massive. The few minutes it takes to actually plan out a week is invaluable.

The next piece is committing to your plan. It’s easier to achieve commitment if you have a plan in place and defined goals and purpose behind your decisions. WOOF. I used to be so overwhelmed by the thought of making long-term and short-term goals. This caused me to be very impulsive and blame others when the universe didn’t go my way.

We can't sit around and let life happen to us because we're too afraid to take the reigns and make the changes we truly desire. Relying on chance, or hope is a waste of time. Instead we should create a life that achieves of our deepest desires by proactively planning and setting ourselves up for success.

You don't wake up and run a marathon, preparation is key. As soon as we actively set our intentions and define our dreams the universe will guide us, so long as we are making effort. The decision to change is the hardest part. As soon as you decide, the execution becomes easier. As soon as you've figured out what you want the universe will see to it that you get it. You just have to truly want the change with every ounce of your being.

As I reflect on 2017, I feel extremely optimistic and excited for the future! As I discover what’s next for me, I will be sharing tips and tricks and lessons I learn along the way. I will be consuming my time with a new routine and reporting back to this blog to stay accountable. I’m on a journey to be in the best mental, physical and spiritual place I’ve ever been and I hope you’ll join me.

Let’s carpe the diem together <3.

 

Xx

The Rest Is Still Unwritten

Not to go all Natasha Bedingfield on ya, but really what a concept. We wake up every day with the freedom to choose whether we will carpe the diem, or just let it waste away. How incredible is that? Every single day we have the ability to rewrite our narrative chapter by chapter until our lives transform into a whole new story. I hear so many people complain about how unfair life is. I get it. If you want to be in a constant state of comparison then NYC is the place to be. Here in the big Apple, we're constantly striving for more.

The city is a buffet, but with the right moves you could potentially earn yourself anything on the menu. We've become so bored with the buffet and we want the next best thing. It doesn't matter the buffet is full of variety and able to sustain our needs, because beyond it lies the next best thing. None of us know what that thing is, but we can confirm it exists. For every apartment there is another with better amenities, location and offerings. For every job there is a competitor with better titles, compensation and perks. For every relationship, there is an illusion of someone else who checks every box and is somehow still intriguing and mysterious.

Nothing can be enough because everything can be improved. We have spin bikes in pools and DJs with strobe lights at HIIT classes. We have apps to help us meet our match. Each app promising to deliver your soulmate and competing with one another over features like your ability to hide your public profile and filter by height and alcohol consumption.

The world is our oyster. Anything we want we can have and yet we fixate on what we lack. Today is the last Sunday of the summer, which is the perfect time to start reevaluating goals for the fall. I've been in a somewhat transitional phase. Things have been absolutely wonderful and I'm extremely happy, but I find myself asking, what's next?

My 5 year anniversary of moving to the city is right around the corner, September 2nd. I think about how much I've changed in five years and it blows my mind. I don't remember being scared of coming to NYC, but I do remember being scared of the thought of staying in Louisiana. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that my dream life awaited me in NYC. I never felt anxious or questioned how it would work out. I was operating in fight or flight mode and letting the universe guide me. I trusted that if I set my intentions and lived by faith that I would accomplish my goals.

I broke the process down and though it was challenging and frustrating, I never gave up. I sold everything, found a roommate, created a budget, established goals and hopped on that one-way flight never to return. Was moving to the city without knowing anyone and without having a job or any proof that I would make it scary? Absolutely, but if I had never tried I would've risked so much more.

I definitely felt at times that I bit off more than I could chew. Everything in NYC is a process. Finding apartments, friends, boyfriends and jobs was overwhelming. There were and are days still where I come home completely defeated. When I feel defeated, or a funk coming on, I proactively fight against it. I remind myself of my past accomplishments and future goals and it gives me the strength to keep going.

So far, 2017 has been my favorite year in NYC. This is the year I feel I've grown the most and set the most boundaries for myself. I've stopped blaming others for problems I'm facing and begun soul searching to find out what it is that I want for myself and for my life.

Life is fast and fleeting, but we can make it beautiful. Regardless of your beliefs on after life there is one thing we can all agree to right now. That is that we are here and that's all we know and it's all we're guaranteed. What if the breath you're taking right now is your last? Are you pleased with your life? Is there more you could be doing? And I don't mean trading an old toy for a new fancier version. I mean what can you do to make yourself the next best thing? Forget your material desires and really envision you and your soul in the universe. What does that look like? What does it feel like for you?

I used to be scared to ask myself these questions. I had become so accustomed to living in survivor mode that I didn't know how to handle shifting into thriving mode. When you go from surviving to thriving you have the luxury of thinking about how you want to become versus who you simply have to be to get by.

My goal in moving to the city was to close a very ugly chapter of my life. I had a near death situation that jolted my psyche into a realization that if I didn't take control of my life, my life would take control of me. I closed that book of my life and decided to rewrite my story, but in doing that I forgot to remind myself of the pain.

Sometimes taking a quick glance in the rear view reminds you of lessons you must forgive, but not forget. That lesson taught me that life is precious. That people are humans capable of doing terrible things. That things aren't always fair or easy and don't always make sense. Most importantly that you have to forge a plan and trust the universe.

So go out into the world guns blazing and channel your inner badass. Don't cut yourself short and don't listen to anyone who wants to rain on your parade. Things won't always work out, or go as planned, but that's ok. Take that class, quit that job, kiss that man… just do it all, do everything now while you can. The most important part is to never stop growing.

Live Your Life

What a week, amirite? I'm not sure if something is up with the moon, upcoming eclipse, or if the universe was just kind of throwing an f you at all of us? Anyway, it was rough.

Today, one of my best friends reached out and told me she had been crying all morning over her ex-boyfriend. We talked for awhile and I told her that this would pass. I compared the end of a relationship to when you cut yourself. Initially the wound is all consuming, it hurts so much. Eventually it starts to scab and then it becomes less consuming. It's still painful to look at and sensitive to touch, but it's not an open wound. That said, every time you bump into it, or pick at it the healing has to start over. However, if you put a bandaid on it and do your best to leave it alone eventually it will heal.

Healing doesn't mean that the pain subsides fully, or that you won't have a scar. What it does mean is that over time the wound will become less and less painful. The scar will change what was once everything to a faint memory of what once was. Goes back to that old saying, time heals all wounds.

I promised her hope as I reflected on the loss of my first love. The relationship was something I never thought I would get over. I was certain there would always be a hole in my heart where he once resided. It took time, but eventually I moved on.

I moved on so much so that I realized while he was perfect for me then, he would not be now. We weren't soulmates, but he served a purpose in my life. He was a safe haven for secrets and a warm hand to hold. He happened to me when I least expected it and in the most unlikely of places. He was flawed and so was I, but what he gave me was priceless. For a time, he loved me in a way that I really needed. Sometimes we just need something for a certain amount of time to serve a certain purpose and then move on.

Eventually our expiration came and we parted ways. Losing him was one of the hardest things I've ever experienced. It wasn't just the loss of a relationship, but the death of a best friend. I kept the wound open for far too long. One of us always found a way to reopen the wound. By the end of it every day we were throwing salt in it. Eventually, I had no choice, but to remove him from my life. It was toxic and unhealthy. I was never going to heal and we had outlived our time.

I recently wrote him a letter and thanked him for the growth he helped me accomplish. He didn't work out. It just wasn't the right timing and now we've become completely different people. I would never be in that relationship now, but we gave it a good run.

It's crazy how the older you get the more you evaluate your relationships and the more you not only want but need for yourself. This year I've made a point to reassess every part of my life and rid anything/one who is no longer serving a purpose in my life. Creating boundaries and setting my intent for what I want in terms of everything really has been life altering.

Surrounding myself with positivity and people and places that are bringing me up has changed everything for me. I used to think being single was depressing, but now I celebrate it. I celebrate it because I'm actively choosing who I allow into my life. I don't need to have a mediocre relationship to feel validated, or even an amazing one that just isn't right for me.

Through doing the work and giving myself time, I've completely healed. Now, the person I decide to be in a relationship with will be one who celebrates me rather than tolerates me. Someone who is so excited to meet my friends, hear about my life and slowly, but surely emerge their world into mine. So much of what I sought in the past was validation through relationships, but now I'm perfectly happy on my own.

You can't possibly know how long it will take to recover, but if you trust in the universe it won't let you down. Eventually, you'll wake up and notice how blue the sky is, or how delicious your frosé tastes. You'll get comments in random places like the subway from strangers about how happy you look. You won't have to try to be okay anymore, because you'll actually be happy again. Until that day, just do your best to remember that you only live once and today could be your last day. Practice patience with yourself and don't beat yourself up if you reopen the wound a few times. Learn your lessons and realize what you deserve and don't accept anything less than pure magic.

The only thing I've become certain of is that when we are focused on living our best lives, our best lives happen. Grieve. Mourn. Do what you have to do, but then live your life. When I decided to live authentically and be unapologetically myself, my life changed. I have bad days, but I have good people to ride out the storm with me. Find those people and you'll find yourself and no wound will be too deep to heal.

Happy Friday, my loves!

Xx.