BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY

NYC, the city that never sleeps. She revs us up with energy and drowns us out in crowds. Living here means living in chaos and learning how to thrive in a manic environment. For a place so heavily populated it’s shocking how alone you can feel.

Millions of strangers commute each day to work. We stand and sit in silence. Some of us read, some write and some yell at others. We miss trains by seconds, because some idiot can’t swipe their card correctly and we let it ruin our day. Subway operations can be very tricky and if you’re ever riding in a stalled car the stress level is so high you can physically feel it. We pack into cars like sardines and treat one another like animals. We put our headphones on and for a moment we disappear.

We disappear until someone yells “hey asshole move out of my way” and then just like that we’re back. Sometimes when we’re stressed we miss stops, sometimes the cars have no ventilation and you can see the sweat dripping out of every pore.

Some of us walk to work and some of us take cars. We yell at the drivers because somehow traffic and what is most likely the best route are to blame for us leaving our apartments 5 minutes after we were supposed to be arriving somewhere.

We are manic. Forget shopping at Trader Joe’s, fairway, or any other grocer on Sunday or Monday or even Saturday sometimes. You’ll risk a limb for a loaf of bread.

The thing is you don’t have to shop if you don’t want to, because here everything is made for your convenience. You can send your laundry out, hire a personal assistant to run your errands, return items by uberrush, order takeout, buy groceries through apps, rent clothes and buy clothes for same day delivery, etc. Literally anything you want you can have.

Anything except personal connection. I’ve managed to find a tribe of humans so magical I want to trademark them. My posse, my babes, my brigade. They are the best humans in the world and I get to love them every single day. We found each other because we stopped getting caught up in the chaos and instead embraced it with a positive and optimistic attitude. That even in such a dog eat dog City there are humans who will cherish you and pick you up when you’re down.

So, on the friend front I don’t know what to tell you. Sure there are apps for that, but you can’t get genuine loving relationships on demand. It takes time, effort and memories made. So I can’t help but wonder why that hasn’t seemed to apply on the romantic relationship side for me.

I believe in the universe and the laws of attraction, but I must say when it comes to love maybe I believe it’s better to be safe than sorry. To my friends, my job, my neighbors, my family I give my all. There is no half-assing with me. If I want you in my life, I’m going to see to it that you have the best life possible.

This has done wonders for my friendships and career opportunities. I’ve attracted people into my life who have quite literally taught me what it means to love and be loved. That said, when it comes to romance I’ve become jaded. I’ve become tired of comparing dating to an irritating subway commute. As if it’s something you have to do out of some sort of obligation. You’re on the ride and neither of you are enjoying it and there is no excitement.

You don’t know what you’re walking into (I’ve been catfished….PTSD) and you don’t know what you’re walking away from. You might have an extraordinary time with sparks flying so high you can’t breathe only to never hear from the person again. Oh, but they might still watch your Instagram stories and like your photos (dude, that’s weird).

So every time you put on a pretty dress and paint your face with lush red lipstick remember you might just be on the verge of meeting your next breadcrumber. Last year I had my first experience with being ghosted and this year I had my first experience with a breadcrumber.

I didn’t really care because to be honest I wasn’t really into him at all. I tried to convince myself I was, but I was just going through the motions. I was robotically following my morning commute. I was living a routine. I’ve heard girls talk about numbers. The more dates you go on the better your chances of finding the one are.

I don’t know what I think about it all anymore except that I think it’s very sad. It’s sad that we live in a culture where love isn’t prioritized and people aren’t treasured. I think it’s sad that we treat people like atm transactions. We take out, but we don’t always put back in.

We settle for boring, because sometimes boring feels safer than being alone. I’ve been on my dating hiatus for a few months now and it’s opened my eyes to a whole new world. One where I refuse to settle for anything less than magic. I’ve realized that risks are something I love to take, but when it comes to relationships I have to play it a bit more safe.

Someone came back into my life and showed me what it’s like to respect someone and value them and honor them. Seeing that and knowing it exists gives me hope for humanity. There are good people out there who want more than just to service themselves.

I want to encourage all of you to shoot for the stars in terms of your life. We limit ourselves and I don’t know why! You deserve a kind loving partner who adores you. You deserve friends who will have your back, but also hold you accountable. You deserve a job that appreciates your work and dedication and promotes you accordingly. You deserve to have a life that’s more than getting up only to wait for the day to be over.

Regardless of where you are in your life don’t get so caught up in the chaos/drama that you forget about all of the beauty. Every day is a new day and opportunity to become whoever you want to be. Leave behind a legacy that is legendary.

Gibberish from a sick chick ;)

I’ve spent the past 5 days in my apartment. I’ve been sick and apparently could’ve potentially avoided such a long confinement had I not procrastinated going to the doctor. I thought that if I waited it out I would miraculously get better, but of course I did not.

So I slept a lot, watched a lot of shameless, attempted to paint nails (they look hideous), I began deep cleaning and finding things to give away. This was all today. The other days I spent my time laying in bed sleeping and eating soup. I wanted to plan my big fall reset, I wanted to reach out to contacts, I wanted feel like myself again.

This is what I learned while being off the grid:

  1. Just because someone doesn’t call or text to check on you doesn’t mean they don’t care
  2. I believe sickness can come as a blessing in disguise, it forces you to just stop everything
  3. Todays problems will be there tomorrow and sometimes it’s ok to hit pause and turn off for a bit

Initially, I was so upset to have not heard from certain people. I wondered how they could know I was ill and not bother to even send a text. Then I realized something, we all have things going on and just because you don’t hear from someone doesn’t mean they don’t care, or they aren’t thinking of you. I also realized that I can’t set expectations for how I want people to respond to me. People are going to be themselves and I can either accept that, or remove them from my life. It’s not my place to change anyone.

So was sitting here feeling sorry for myself as as any sick girl would, my friend reminded me of all the people who love me in my life. The amount of phone calls and texts I received were truly incredible.

I think so often we focus on what we don’t have that we miss the bigger picture. That picture is the Mosaic of all the loved ones who show up through the good, bad and ugly. The ones who love you when you’re a hot mess and praise you when you’re a major success.

Things have been rough for me lately. I received negative feedback and I’ve been doing my best to learn from it and grow from it. That said, it doesn’t make it any less discouraging. I’ve had to actively rewire my brain to focus on all that is good and all the possibilities ahead.

So as we enter another manic Monday I encourage you to surprise yourself. Do the uncomfortable things and fight for your worth 💜.

Happy Anniversary, New York City

Today I had the pleasure of grabbing brunch with one of my dearest friends, Karen. Karen was visiting from Louisiana and headed back after our meal. Seeing Karen and catching up was so special and timely. This week is my 5 year anniversary of moving to the city.

Five years ago, I was going through one of the toughest times in my life. It was during that time that I had no one to rely on and no where to go. My sisters and mother were beyond encouraging and supportive, I wouldn't have made it through that period of my life without them.

Then the universe sent me Karen. I don't remember how Karen and I connected, but we bonded instantly. My ex had always tried to poison me against her, but she ended up being one of the people who saved my life. That whole period of my life is blurry. I would go to random parking lots and talk to Karen on the phone bawling my eyes out. She was my safe haven and support system when my entire world was upside down. She allowed me to be open and honest and never once judged me. She saw something in me that many people couldn't see and she pushed me to move to NYC.

The past five years have been filled with insane memories. Things you just can't make up. A shared bunk bed, underground casino, nightclub brunches and people who make you question everything about yourself. It's been good, bad and ugly. There are days I've sat on a park bench crying and others where I've danced my way home.

I've had my heart broken and sewn back together more than once. I've also broken a few hearts as well. I've rocked short hair, long hair and every color hair. I've read more books and watched more shows. I've predicted my future better than psychics and negotiated half decks for $10 bucks. I've found the best places for tacos and margaritas. I've entered into an open relationship with Manhattan and Montauk.

I've swiped right to the wrong people and left to potentially right people. I've given my business card out to a cutie on the subway. I've written my number in eyeliner on napkins. I've become family with most doormen in NYC. I've toasted on rooftops overlooking the most beautiful views of the city. I've gotten lost and then found. I've ridden every subway line in NYC. I've lived in 8 apartments and a hotel across Murray Hill, Upper East Side, Midtown, Lower East Side, Chelsea, Upper West Side and had a sharehouse in Montauk.

I've had (not including temp jobs) 6 jobs throughout my time here. Some were absolutely wrong for me, but taught me all I know today.

Variety Is The Spice Of Life
If I hadn't catered, interned for a shoe designer, or worked at a million other places, I wouldn't be who I am today. I've learned that it's ok to hop around and find out what you like and what you don't like. I've learned that if you really enjoy something, you will be more successful. The only person you owe something to is yourself. Life is too short to be showing up to a place that doesn't value you, or see your potential.

Haters Gonna Hate
If I had listened to all of the people who told me I would never make it, I would've never made it. I was told I shouldn't even go to college. That I should work in a mall, because I love clothes. I was told I would come back with my pockets empty with copious amounts of debt and regret. Every job I left cautioned me against what the universe was moving me towards. People tried to make me afraid, but I let faith rule over fear.

The Universe Has You Boo
In 2012, the universe sent me Karen and 3 weeks later sent me to NYC. When you surrender to the possibilities life wants to open you up to, the universe shows up. Karen reminded me of times she was worried I wouldn't make it. There were so many times where I was beaten down by the man, homeless, broken up with, betrayed by friends, etc. There were times I thought I can't do this anymore. It's too hard to be supporting myself in this expensive city with no connections and no guarantor and no friends or job or love or hope. I'd let myself wallow, but eventually I got up again.

Get Back On The Horse
There were so many times that life just bucked me right out of the saddle. It felt like one day I'd be all trottin' along and the next I'm getting bucked off and stomped on. Regardless of how painful each lesson was I never questioned grabbing the reigns again.

Life Is Simple
We control our fate or we let our fate control us. Sometimes when you're at the lowest point possible the universe brings someone to pull you out of the hole. Karen did it for me and this weekend I saw strangers bond together to save a jumper in Nolita.

I was walking through the Broadway Lafayette stop when I saw people gathered around under a woman who was perched up on a beam. She wept so loudly as she shouted that no one cared about her. People below her talked to her and reassured her that she was cared for and loved. It was the most beautiful act of humanity I've seen in quite some time. I called the police and another person climbed across the beam to hold her and hug her. By the end of it, the police came and the woman rested her head on the stranger's shoulder.


As I celebrate my anniversary to my longest relationship yet, I'm filled with happiness and I'm proud. Nothing worth achieving is easy. I will be posting my plans over the next few weeks as I've spent this weekend evaluating what's next for me.

Thank you for reading and stay encouraged! The journey can be a lot, but it's always worth it.

Lazy Is NOT Sexy

I was in one of my favorite spin classes with my real life Ken doll instructor when he said something that hit me, “Lazy is NOT sexy”. Yes, we all know this, but something about hearing it out loud stuck with me. We want more money, abs, a rom-com romance, but do we really want to do the work? It’s easy to dream big and let wishful thinking take the wheel, but that’s like driving without a destination. You’re wasting time and fuel going nowhere.

Talk is cheap and without a planned road map, you’re gonna end up in the middle of nowhere having accomplished nothing but a burnout. Why do we stall planning? Why do we procrastinate? Personally, I do it out of fear. Sometimes it can be comforting to lean into complacency and hope that things will change and work out without you having to do anything. I do this and then I wonder why I haven’t lost a million pounds, or written a book.

The truth is we are the only things standing in our own way. We limit ourselves without even realizing it. Deep rooted beliefs can be transformed; we can rewrite our narrative and become someone new. I hate when people come to me with a problem and not a solution. If you’re going to complain and not do anything to change your circumstances then expect your circumstances not to remain the same.

I used to be so proactive and while I’m accomplishing many of the things I set out to do, I’ve become a bit complacent. Complacency is comfortable. Sitting on the side lines of your life watching it pass by without playing an active role is EASY. Playing the victim is EASY. Getting outside of your comfort zone is SCARY, but it’s doable.

For me, having a routine and a schedule is absolutely necessary. My extreme zest for life aka ADD aka FOMO loves the fact that I can wake up and book a last minute class, schedule a brunch, go to a gala… all on a whim, but when I live this way, I’m holding myself back from major success. Sure, scoring last minute front row VIP tickets to X,Y,Z is something I would not only welcome, but definitely pursue; however, it should be more of the exception and less of the norm.

There is so much I want to see and do that I tend to do it all until I’m completely depleted. I run and run and run until my gas is on E and I end up wearing my clothes inside out (symbolic of my life at times). The thought of structure kind of grosses me out and makes me want to hit snooze all at the same time. Meal prep? A calendar? Planned workouts, set days for laundry…. Dude, gag me. I hate it. It bores me, but it’s what I need and when I think of the ROI it’s massive. The few minutes it takes to actually plan out a week is invaluable.

The next piece is committing to your plan. It’s easier to achieve commitment if you have a plan in place and defined goals and purpose behind your decisions. WOOF. I used to be so overwhelmed by the thought of making long-term and short-term goals. This caused me to be very impulsive and blame others when the universe didn’t go my way.

We can't sit around and let life happen to us because we're too afraid to take the reigns and make the changes we truly desire. Relying on chance, or hope is a waste of time. Instead we should create a life that achieves of our deepest desires by proactively planning and setting ourselves up for success.

You don't wake up and run a marathon, preparation is key. As soon as we actively set our intentions and define our dreams the universe will guide us, so long as we are making effort. The decision to change is the hardest part. As soon as you decide, the execution becomes easier. As soon as you've figured out what you want the universe will see to it that you get it. You just have to truly want the change with every ounce of your being.

As I reflect on 2017, I feel extremely optimistic and excited for the future! As I discover what’s next for me, I will be sharing tips and tricks and lessons I learn along the way. I will be consuming my time with a new routine and reporting back to this blog to stay accountable. I’m on a journey to be in the best mental, physical and spiritual place I’ve ever been and I hope you’ll join me.

Let’s carpe the diem together <3.

 

Xx

Avoidance

Yikes! Avoidance, I know it all too well. The funny thing about it is that sometimes you can't simply connect the dots on why you're avoiding something, or what at your core you're actually avoiding. Sometimes it just hits you like a sack of bricks and you're like… f&$@.

Yesterday it dawned on me that I had been avoiding something major in my life. I made excuses, I procrastinated, I blamed others and even got angry with others until I realized this was my beast of burden.

For me, I had lived in a delusional state thinking that if I ignored the problem long enough it would go away, it didn't. Instead, it grew bigger and bigger until I felt consumed by it and trapped. I felt overwhelmed and scared.

Last night, I talked to my best friend about this issue and she was so incredibly supportive. Sometimes just saying something out loud gives it less power. Sharing something with someone and asking for help made me feel more in control.

Apart from her listening and not judging me, she helped me think of next steps. This is what love is. For the first time, I felt cared for in a way that I hadn't in a very long time. My anxiety eased and I felt at peace with the universe.

I woke up today and a new day presented itself. A brand new chance to start over and to chip away at my now less intimidating monster. So, I started the day with a new workout class, Bari Bounce Lab. I entered the studio to open arms by one of my best friends who hugged me and loved me. I then got out of my comfort zone and bounced my heart out on a mini trampoline to amazing music and a bomb instructor.

When I walked out of the studio I felt an insane amount of gratitude. We get so caught up in the day to day. So caught up in avoiding the things we should be prioritizing that we forget to give thanks. Life is nothing without relationships.

The issue I had been avoiding made me feel alone. Today, as I walked out of the studio I realized just how far from alone I am.

I have best friends who are family who provide advice and help in times of need. I have mentors who advise me and deeply care about my professional success and personal development. I have trainers who fill me with inspiration and make me stronger each class. I have colleagues who hold me accountable and push me to be my best by stretching me. I have wonderful doormen and staff at my apartment building who keep me safe and listen to my stories. And biological family. The list goes on…

I owe it to myself and to the people who keep me going to embrace my challenges with a positive attitude. I don't believe in looking back, but every now and then it's nice to reflect on accomplishments. They can remind you of your strength and ability to crush any roadblock that comes your way.

So, I encourage you while encouraging myself to abandon avoidance and take back control. I tend to want immediate results and I'm learning that life is about consistency. You have to try and try and try until you see change. Nothing worth having/accomplishing comes easy anyway.

Xx.

Go Where You Are Celebrated

Wow! It feels exciting and scary to be blogging again. I started Big Apple Little Seed years ago to share my New York experiences with friends, family and the worldwide web. I was very consistent and found so much joy in writing. I stopped blogging and picked up other pastimes, some good and some bad. For years, I wrestled with the decision of whether or not to blog again. I started a personal website, but it felt way too formal. I started blogging about my dating life, but I didn’t feel inspired.

It wasn’t until today that I felt inspired and clear on what I wanted to do next. I owe my clarity and inspiration to my friends and family. This past week, I was going through a lot and my friends and family showed up. Last night, my girlfriends and I got dressed up, pranced around the city, danced on stage at Public, made new friends, and laughed until we quite literally cried.

Last night, I injured myself. I was walking up the steps of Public’s stage and checking someone out simultaneously and the universe wasn’t having it. I busted my ass. I woke up with a foot the size of my face and have had to spend the day rotating frozen Brussel sprouts from my knee to my ankle. I don’t do very well with down time. I like to keep moving and going and accomplishing something. So, being a lard all day has felt a bit out of my comfort zone. That said, it’s led me to major realizations.

Throughout my day, my friends and family called and texted me. They offered to help me, to bring me things, to take me to the doctor. They reminded me that they love me and they made me smile. So tonight, I want to honor these lovely humans and share what having solid female friendships has done for me personally and how these women have changed my life.

If you know me, you know that I’ve been through some really awful experiences. Who hasn’t? We all have obstacles and pain that we can use to propel us, or bring us down. I’ve been betrayed time and time again by some of the people I’ve loved in my life. This betrayal was across various relationships, but tonight, I want to focus on the impact female friend betrayal has had on me.

I tend to greet everyone with open arms. This means that when I meet someone, I assume the best until they’ve proven otherwise. I’ve gotten myself in trouble from assuming that everyone deserves your trust and loyalty before they’ve earned it. I’ve learned the hard way that everyone has the capacity to betray your trust and you have to be careful about opening up to people before you know their true colors.

I’ve been burned throughout my life by those whom I considered family. Due to this, I unknowingly lived life thinking that if I allowed females to get close to me, they would stab me in the back. I’ve always been incredibly independent, so I began relying on myself even more through hard times. I got tired of surface friendships and surrounding myself with people I had to censor myself with. I lost interest in surrounding myself with those who made me feel bad about myself, those who constantly made me feel like I was doing something wrong, with those who didn’t make me feel inspired.

2016 was one of hardest years I’ve ever had. It was lonely. There were the friends I still carry today, but I was working through things and changes and my life holistically was in  a transitional state. Carrie Bradshaw nailed it when she said in New York City, you’re always looking for an apartment, job, or boyfriend. If everything in your life is perfectly aligned, you’re a walking miracle.

2017 has shown me the beauty and power in strong, positive and inspiring female friends. At the beginning of this year, one of my best friends told me that you have to build your group and know that these people will have your back no matter what. That you could rob a 711 (do not advise this) show up on their doorstep and they would take you in without judgement. These are the friends who tell you to put the ICEE down, return to the store and help you make amends/ develop an action plan for next steps.

This example sounds silly, but it totally resonated with me. When you surround yourself with people who love you no matter what, who have your back and who want you to be the best version of yourself, you grow. This year, I’ve found my squad. They consist of career-driven women, fitness fanatics, foodies, world travelers, fashionistas, philanthropists, volunteers, adventurers, dancers, artists, health nuts, and everything in between.

These women bring so much to my life and have made it a life worth fighting for. We keep in touch via FaceTime, phone calls, texting, or if I’m lucky in-person. I cherish every second with my soulmates and I’m so thankful that the universe brought me my angels. Find people who celebrate you and never let them go.