PAST MEETS PRESENT

Sometimes people from our past end up crossing our path again. Before we unlock the door to future possibilities, we can’t forget why we locked it in the first place.

It seemed different this time around. The issues that once plagued our “relationship” seemed to have resolved with time. A part of me knew it wasn’t going to work and if I’m honest with myself, I don’t think I really cared.

Isn’t it funny how you can be so removed from someone, but as soon as they let you down, a trigger is pulled? Maybe I never really opened up to him, or gave it an actual shot, because in my heart, I knew it never would be. And that’s not because of him, but because of me. Because I didn’t want us in the end, not the way we had become.

When you play with fire, you might just get burned. So why let an old flame seek redemption? I suppose there was unfinished business to take care of. There was the curiosity of whether or not time could heal old wounds. There was the hope of who this person could have become.

That’s problem. When you let an illusion dictate your actions, you lose sight of reality. In all fairness, this individual has a good heart, but unfortunately he doesn’t know how to share it. He’s so wrapped up in work that I sometimes wonder if he will ever look back and realize he missed out on so many other things along the way.

Learning how to prioritize and design a life that works for you is challenging, no doubt. Just ask all of the friends and family that have witnessed my many breakdowns over the past few months. That said, you don’t stop trying.

Amongst the many reasons why this man and I will never work out is that somewhere along the way, he forgot that though work will be waiting for you when you wake up and go to sleep and in the middle of the night when you can’t sleep (if you’re lucky enough to even be able to sleep when there is so much to be done) that alone it’s worth nothing.

Yo, I’m single and to be honest, I love it. I love it because none of my suitors thus far have been right and most haven’t been worthy of my time. That said, I have prioritized my career over the past year and for the time being will continue to do so.

I think the difference between this fellow and myself is that instead of being honest with himself and me, he genuinely tried to do better. I think you can teach an old dog new tricks, but patterns are hard to break without true self awareness and a genuine relentless desire to change.

I suppose the weirdest part about all of this is that I actually feel good about confronting him and letting him go for good. Sometimes you have to reel something in only to throw it back out. The interesting part is that I feel whatever unfinished business we had was finally taken care of.

What an amazing feeling to know that sometimes things simply don’t work out and that an idea is just an idea even if it is about someone.

My protective friends would say he’s an ass in efforts to comfort me, but it’s really not about him, or me. Sure, he’s immature, but what do I care?

At the end of the day, sometimes the shoe just doesn’t fit. You can fight the universe and your gut to try to force it, or you can ride with the tide knowing that all that is meant to be works out and all that isn’t slips away.

For me, I choose the latter. There is no reason to wallow and lick old wounds when there is a whole big world out there with open arms.

I suppose my biggest learning lesson here is to honor my feelings, trust my gut, and continue to devote the limited energy I have into the right people.

There are seasons where your career will win. It will be all consuming and you might feel like you don’t have the capacity to even talk to another human by the end of the day and that’s ok. Seasons come and go, but if you find that you’re stuck in an never ending drought, it might be time to reconsider. Because having the right someone to weather the storm with is actually kind of nice.

I suppose the whole point of dating is trial and error, so you can learn more about yourself. And truth is you don’t have to worry about any of these asshats. When the right person enters your life, you’ll know. Knowing that and truly believing that makes letting go all that isn’t right, so much easier.

So many people get caught up on why things couldn’t work out with someone they weren’t even crazy about to begin with. Let bygones be bygones and go where you’re celebrated.

There is no time in the present to waste on someone who was never really yours anyway.

Gibberish from a sick chick ;)

I’ve spent the past 5 days in my apartment. I’ve been sick and apparently could’ve potentially avoided such a long confinement had I not procrastinated going to the doctor. I thought that if I waited it out I would miraculously get better, but of course I did not.

So I slept a lot, watched a lot of shameless, attempted to paint nails (they look hideous), I began deep cleaning and finding things to give away. This was all today. The other days I spent my time laying in bed sleeping and eating soup. I wanted to plan my big fall reset, I wanted to reach out to contacts, I wanted feel like myself again.

This is what I learned while being off the grid:

  1. Just because someone doesn’t call or text to check on you doesn’t mean they don’t care
  2. I believe sickness can come as a blessing in disguise, it forces you to just stop everything
  3. Todays problems will be there tomorrow and sometimes it’s ok to hit pause and turn off for a bit

Initially, I was so upset to have not heard from certain people. I wondered how they could know I was ill and not bother to even send a text. Then I realized something, we all have things going on and just because you don’t hear from someone doesn’t mean they don’t care, or they aren’t thinking of you. I also realized that I can’t set expectations for how I want people to respond to me. People are going to be themselves and I can either accept that, or remove them from my life. It’s not my place to change anyone.

So was sitting here feeling sorry for myself as as any sick girl would, my friend reminded me of all the people who love me in my life. The amount of phone calls and texts I received were truly incredible.

I think so often we focus on what we don’t have that we miss the bigger picture. That picture is the Mosaic of all the loved ones who show up through the good, bad and ugly. The ones who love you when you’re a hot mess and praise you when you’re a major success.

Things have been rough for me lately. I received negative feedback and I’ve been doing my best to learn from it and grow from it. That said, it doesn’t make it any less discouraging. I’ve had to actively rewire my brain to focus on all that is good and all the possibilities ahead.

So as we enter another manic Monday I encourage you to surprise yourself. Do the uncomfortable things and fight for your worth 💜.

Lazy Is NOT Sexy

I was in one of my favorite spin classes with my real life Ken doll instructor when he said something that hit me, “Lazy is NOT sexy”. Yes, we all know this, but something about hearing it out loud stuck with me. We want more money, abs, a rom-com romance, but do we really want to do the work? It’s easy to dream big and let wishful thinking take the wheel, but that’s like driving without a destination. You’re wasting time and fuel going nowhere.

Talk is cheap and without a planned road map, you’re gonna end up in the middle of nowhere having accomplished nothing but a burnout. Why do we stall planning? Why do we procrastinate? Personally, I do it out of fear. Sometimes it can be comforting to lean into complacency and hope that things will change and work out without you having to do anything. I do this and then I wonder why I haven’t lost a million pounds, or written a book.

The truth is we are the only things standing in our own way. We limit ourselves without even realizing it. Deep rooted beliefs can be transformed; we can rewrite our narrative and become someone new. I hate when people come to me with a problem and not a solution. If you’re going to complain and not do anything to change your circumstances then expect your circumstances not to remain the same.

I used to be so proactive and while I’m accomplishing many of the things I set out to do, I’ve become a bit complacent. Complacency is comfortable. Sitting on the side lines of your life watching it pass by without playing an active role is EASY. Playing the victim is EASY. Getting outside of your comfort zone is SCARY, but it’s doable.

For me, having a routine and a schedule is absolutely necessary. My extreme zest for life aka ADD aka FOMO loves the fact that I can wake up and book a last minute class, schedule a brunch, go to a gala… all on a whim, but when I live this way, I’m holding myself back from major success. Sure, scoring last minute front row VIP tickets to X,Y,Z is something I would not only welcome, but definitely pursue; however, it should be more of the exception and less of the norm.

There is so much I want to see and do that I tend to do it all until I’m completely depleted. I run and run and run until my gas is on E and I end up wearing my clothes inside out (symbolic of my life at times). The thought of structure kind of grosses me out and makes me want to hit snooze all at the same time. Meal prep? A calendar? Planned workouts, set days for laundry…. Dude, gag me. I hate it. It bores me, but it’s what I need and when I think of the ROI it’s massive. The few minutes it takes to actually plan out a week is invaluable.

The next piece is committing to your plan. It’s easier to achieve commitment if you have a plan in place and defined goals and purpose behind your decisions. WOOF. I used to be so overwhelmed by the thought of making long-term and short-term goals. This caused me to be very impulsive and blame others when the universe didn’t go my way.

We can't sit around and let life happen to us because we're too afraid to take the reigns and make the changes we truly desire. Relying on chance, or hope is a waste of time. Instead we should create a life that achieves of our deepest desires by proactively planning and setting ourselves up for success.

You don't wake up and run a marathon, preparation is key. As soon as we actively set our intentions and define our dreams the universe will guide us, so long as we are making effort. The decision to change is the hardest part. As soon as you decide, the execution becomes easier. As soon as you've figured out what you want the universe will see to it that you get it. You just have to truly want the change with every ounce of your being.

As I reflect on 2017, I feel extremely optimistic and excited for the future! As I discover what’s next for me, I will be sharing tips and tricks and lessons I learn along the way. I will be consuming my time with a new routine and reporting back to this blog to stay accountable. I’m on a journey to be in the best mental, physical and spiritual place I’ve ever been and I hope you’ll join me.

Let’s carpe the diem together <3.

 

Xx

Go Where You Are Celebrated

Wow! It feels exciting and scary to be blogging again. I started Big Apple Little Seed years ago to share my New York experiences with friends, family and the worldwide web. I was very consistent and found so much joy in writing. I stopped blogging and picked up other pastimes, some good and some bad. For years, I wrestled with the decision of whether or not to blog again. I started a personal website, but it felt way too formal. I started blogging about my dating life, but I didn’t feel inspired.

It wasn’t until today that I felt inspired and clear on what I wanted to do next. I owe my clarity and inspiration to my friends and family. This past week, I was going through a lot and my friends and family showed up. Last night, my girlfriends and I got dressed up, pranced around the city, danced on stage at Public, made new friends, and laughed until we quite literally cried.

Last night, I injured myself. I was walking up the steps of Public’s stage and checking someone out simultaneously and the universe wasn’t having it. I busted my ass. I woke up with a foot the size of my face and have had to spend the day rotating frozen Brussel sprouts from my knee to my ankle. I don’t do very well with down time. I like to keep moving and going and accomplishing something. So, being a lard all day has felt a bit out of my comfort zone. That said, it’s led me to major realizations.

Throughout my day, my friends and family called and texted me. They offered to help me, to bring me things, to take me to the doctor. They reminded me that they love me and they made me smile. So tonight, I want to honor these lovely humans and share what having solid female friendships has done for me personally and how these women have changed my life.

If you know me, you know that I’ve been through some really awful experiences. Who hasn’t? We all have obstacles and pain that we can use to propel us, or bring us down. I’ve been betrayed time and time again by some of the people I’ve loved in my life. This betrayal was across various relationships, but tonight, I want to focus on the impact female friend betrayal has had on me.

I tend to greet everyone with open arms. This means that when I meet someone, I assume the best until they’ve proven otherwise. I’ve gotten myself in trouble from assuming that everyone deserves your trust and loyalty before they’ve earned it. I’ve learned the hard way that everyone has the capacity to betray your trust and you have to be careful about opening up to people before you know their true colors.

I’ve been burned throughout my life by those whom I considered family. Due to this, I unknowingly lived life thinking that if I allowed females to get close to me, they would stab me in the back. I’ve always been incredibly independent, so I began relying on myself even more through hard times. I got tired of surface friendships and surrounding myself with people I had to censor myself with. I lost interest in surrounding myself with those who made me feel bad about myself, those who constantly made me feel like I was doing something wrong, with those who didn’t make me feel inspired.

2016 was one of hardest years I’ve ever had. It was lonely. There were the friends I still carry today, but I was working through things and changes and my life holistically was in  a transitional state. Carrie Bradshaw nailed it when she said in New York City, you’re always looking for an apartment, job, or boyfriend. If everything in your life is perfectly aligned, you’re a walking miracle.

2017 has shown me the beauty and power in strong, positive and inspiring female friends. At the beginning of this year, one of my best friends told me that you have to build your group and know that these people will have your back no matter what. That you could rob a 711 (do not advise this) show up on their doorstep and they would take you in without judgement. These are the friends who tell you to put the ICEE down, return to the store and help you make amends/ develop an action plan for next steps.

This example sounds silly, but it totally resonated with me. When you surround yourself with people who love you no matter what, who have your back and who want you to be the best version of yourself, you grow. This year, I’ve found my squad. They consist of career-driven women, fitness fanatics, foodies, world travelers, fashionistas, philanthropists, volunteers, adventurers, dancers, artists, health nuts, and everything in between.

These women bring so much to my life and have made it a life worth fighting for. We keep in touch via FaceTime, phone calls, texting, or if I’m lucky in-person. I cherish every second with my soulmates and I’m so thankful that the universe brought me my angels. Find people who celebrate you and never let them go.